Stalker's Top Ten 2011: Tom Wade's What Not to Watch with Mother
Here's another well thought through and off-kilter Filmstalker's Stalker's Top Ten Lists of 2011 for you, this one's from Tom Wade and he's delivered a list of scenes from films of 2011 that he'd recommend you don't watch with your mother present.
This is a really good list, and as soon as I thought about the title I was thinking of my own experiences of embarrassing family viewing moments. That's what I like about the Filmstalker's Stalker's Top Ten Lists, they connect with you and get you thinking too.
You can join in by reading this list and talking about your own experiences or highlighting more dodgy scenes, or by thinking up your own Top Ten List and sending it in - I'll keep publishing them as long as I get them.
So with that in mind let me first remind you just how easy it is to get your own list in. Now it doesn't have to be anything more than your top ten films of 2011, it doesn't even have to be a top ten, it could be a bottom twelve, you don't even have to restrict yourself to 2011, what about 2012? Then again you can think up something different, as Tom, Mark and Matt have done so far this year.
How do you submit a list? Well you just create a list, add at least a sentence explanation about each entry although it would be nice to have more, how you'd like to be known on the published article along with a link to a site or an online profile, and email it to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. For some inspiration you can look at the other Stalker's Top Lists from this and previous years.
Now you're ready to go and produce your own, let's have a look at Tom Wade's list for What Not to Watch with Mother. Tom is the Editor over at Cultureslap where you can find news and reviews for films and games.
Over to you Tom...
We've all had experiences with film that we'd rather forget. In particular we've had those experiences of watching a film with a parent, partner or close relative that we've suddenly realised is high on the 'will make my Mother tut and think I'm a weirdo.'
My first experience of this was watching Monsters Ball with my parents. Looking at the cover you'd be forgiven for thinking that this was a classy little film about one man getting over his racism with the help of Halle Berry. What the poster forgot to add in was that the film was about one man getting over his racism with the help of having long graphic sex with Halle Berry.
In the list of the sort of moments that could ruin any mother-son relationship, watching an extended, long and graphic sex scene is up there with the worst scenarios. Such situations provide a dilemma with several options of action.
* Do you watch intently studying the screen with increased curiosity (possibly giving the impression that you're far too interested...)
* Look away and instead focus on something else in the room (possibly raising the question in other people's minds as to why you feel you can't watch)
* Make tutting noises along with your mother (practically conceding that you've turned into a grumpy Old Lady)
* Make an excuse and leave the room (although this gives far too many variables as to what you're off to do)
* Fast forward (Leading to fast sex - a technique only really possible on VHS)
* Sit and hope that things finish quickly (and I mean that in all possible ways.)
With all of those in mind, continuing the Filmstalker's Stalker's Top Ten Lists of 2011 - I present to you:
What Not to Watch with Mother: The most inappropriate scenes to watch with your mother in 2011.
10. Black Swan
The fact that this film contains a rather creepy Mother should be enough to ring alarm bells, but if that isn't enough, just hang on to the well documented sex scene between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. The reason that many teenage boys went to see a film about Ballet in the first place, is enough to give an elderly mother a heart scare. Be warned.
A film with its fair share of Mother-baiting moments, the scene that has the potential to make any mother cover her eyes with fear has to be the infamous 'poo scene.' Yes your mother has seen your bum and probably had your poo on her hands at some point (hopefully I'm referring to when you were a baby here - not recently), but watching fully grown ladies reduced to poo-ing in a sink could give your mother flashbacks. Don't do it to her.
This makes an appearance here, not because of anything outrageously naughty, but because it features some lads on holiday. And by holiday I mean a quest to meet some ladies and have lots of sex. Sadly the Inbetweeners film manages to capture perfectly what it's like to go on a lads holiday abroad. Let your mother watch this and she'll never let you go on holiday ever again - even if you are over 40.
7. Blue Valentine
Forget the fact that this is the film about a marriage where the love has long disappeared (don't go giving her any ideas) Blue Valentine also features an oral sex scene with Ryan Gosling erm loving Michelle Williams. Enough to make the average Mother get up and walk out of the room in embarrassment.
6. The Hangover 2
Another film where the temptation is to say - 'don't let your mother see any of it' - yet there are still are fair few standout moments to avoid. The scene to avert eyes from is probably the rehashed joke from the first film (wait - wasn't the whole film just a remake of the original??) where Ken Jeong decides to exhibit what can only be described as his rather small penis. Fair play to the bloke for deciding to let the world see his male anatomy for a second time - but it was definitely two times too many.
5. A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas
A film made with the intention of offending as many as possible, you could choose the scene which decimates every aspect of the Catholic church in mere minutes (and in 3D), however the moment that will make each Mother hallucinate with sheer terror is when the baby of the film manages to take every conceivable drug possible. Fully grown adults taking drugs is bad enough for the average mother, but a baby? Pass the talcum powder - these people need to be punished.
Mr Ryan Gosling makes his second appearance on this fine list, this time for snogging Carrey Mulligan, pushing her to the side and then proceeding to stand on a man's head until you hear the bones crack. Mother's don't like to see or hear skulls crack.
3. Sleeping Beauty
A film centred around a young adult who chooses to take a drug to sleep and then allow men to do whatever they want with her for an evening (minus penetrative sex). A sad concept that is made all the sadder by the never ending spiral that Emily Browning finds herself in - this has no happy endings. Mother's like happy endings. Plus they don't like to see old men naked. No they don't.
2. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Filmstalker Review of original)
Is this film about female empowerment or about female abuse leading to a morally and socially damaged woman trying to rebel against the world? Regardless of the skewered moral messages, this film involves our heroine being raped by her parole officer, and then a scene where she gets her own back by tying him up and kicking a dildo into where the sun doesn't shine (is there an elegant way of explaining this). Some Mother's may whoop with joy at this scene, although they are the sort of mothers regularly seen on Jeremy Kyle.
1. Kill List (Filmstalker Review)
The jewel in the crown of films moments that will make a grown lady weep (although let's be honest, many non-Mothers will have winced at various moments in this film), the scene of the year that is inappropriate to watch with a mother involves an assassin discovering that a target is a paedophile. Said paedophile is tied to a chair while the assassin gets some retribution with a hammer. It's squelchy, it's uncomfortable, and it's the most intense moment of the year. Mothers with fears of DIY need to stay well away.
So there you go - the ten scenes to check out with your Mother of 2011 [or not - Richard].
Can you think of any worse ones?
(Has to be from a mainstream release - not straight to DVD dodgy films and films can appear only once in the list - otherwise the I could have picked 10 scenes from Kill List...)
Wow, that's a cracking list there Tom, and I'd agree with many if it weren't for the fact that my Mother would probably have watched most things even if I was feeling uncomfortable watching them with her.
For me it's my Dad who doesn't take well to adult humour or horror, and couple that with the standard uncomfortable feelings of watching sex scenes with your parents and there's not much you can watch with him in the room without feeling uncomfortable! Oh, Battle of Britain is okay!
So, as Tom from Cultureslap asks, what scenes can you think of that were just not appropriate to be watching with your parents around? Did you have an experience of doing just that? Well tell us about it and we can all share your pain, or laugh out loud!
If you want to see your list on Filmstalker, just compile it and send it in to email it to me at email@example.com, remember to include your name and a link to any site or online profile you'd like mentioned.s Stalker